FTW

If it wasn't for Vivian and Bo today, this episode would have been a huge drag.

Good Morning, Starshine!

The truth serum begins to make it's way through Bo's system (or at least that's what we're lead to believe).  It's a wild, wild trip.

Peter Reckell really ought to have scenes like this more often.  I'm not saying Bo should go on the sauce or start chopping up mushrooms to put in his Ragu, but Peter can do comedy very well and I wish the writers would let him do it more often.  Intentionally, of course.

Some girls, they do get woolly

Jennifer has been wrapping herself up in Alice's old sweaters and scarves for a while now.  Are they slathering all this make-up and wool on Jennifer to hide the ravages of age?  What's with the old school-marm hair?  I'm hoping this is all leading up to someone offering up their services to give Jennifer an empowering, sexy make-over, thus reinstating her groove a la Stella.  Because she's honestly making Sami look like Katy Perry these days.

Maggie unravels the mystery behind Vivian's Disappearance

"What does 'V.A.' stand for?  What have you done with Vivian now?"

"V.A. could stand for almost anything!"

Veteran Affairs, for instance.

Days Drama Beat

Today's drama beat entailed Lexie approaching EJ and telling him that even if Johnny can see, his vision could still be impaired in some form or another.  You know, just to kill some time.

Seriously, can we move this along now?  If we knew this was to make this whole cancer recovery thing more realistic, fine, but who the crap are we kidding?  Caroline had a stroke and within two days she was back on her feet and judging people like it had never happened.

EJ proceeds to tell it like it is.

"Lexie, if you'll excuse me, I don't want to listen to you relate.  It's patronizing and depressing."

Yep.

Sami is wearing Caroline's corduroys

This is a soap opera.  Honestly, I deserve better than this.

Unlike James Scott, GG needs synthesizer music

It does all the acting work for him and simultaneously distracts me from the sound of his voice.

The Fourth Circle of Hell

Vivian is starting to lose it. 

"We're in the Fourth Circle of Hell!" she intones dramatically.

No, you're in the third.  I'm in the fourth.

Case in point...

"Something your grandmother says."

Rafe tries to comfort Sami with the wise words of her harpy of a grandmother that he sort of remembers but doesn't remember entirely.  Much like Sami not remembering all that stuff about original sin and forgiveness that was the theme of the summer.

Sami smiles warmly.

"God is the goodness in all of us."

It seems God has left the building.

What the hell is up with EJ today?

I think the writers passed EJ around while writing these scenes, much like they were writing some sort of RPG together.  One minute EJ and Lexie are lightly catching eachother up on Kate moving back into the DiMansion and why EJ thought it was a good idea not to tell Stefano about removing Johnny's bandages today, the next he's brooding all over the joint.  One minute he's enthusiastically thanking Nicole for saving his son's life and the next he's muttering that she shouldn't be concerned about whether or not Johnny will be able to see because he isn't her son.

Unfortunately for Ken Corday, who seems determined to turn EJ back into a villain, the bullet Sami received during her character assassination is still lodged somewhere in her back, so ol' Cordiglay's really got their work cut out for them if they think they're going to be able to turn Sami and Rafe into Bo and Hope by making EJ menopausal.

It doesn't help, either, that viewers are actually looking forward to Rafe getting hit by a car and/or being chained up in someone's basement.  The only thing I'm not looking forward to is having to watch Sami dressed in ashes and a burlap sack while wringing her hands and crying for another couple of months.

Philip catches on quick

Philip manages to piece together that Melanie is pregnant and considering terminating the pregnancy within only a matter of minutes.  It truly boggles the mind.

It seems that while some storylines are being dragged out to earth's end and beyond, the writers are bringing storylines they seem to be tiring of to a screeching halt.  Note I said "they seem to be tiring of".  Not that I was hoping this would turn into Gone With The Wind or anything, but I wouldn't have minded an emotional scene or two at the Salem Family Planning centre so we could see Melanie weighing her options a little more.  When she announces to Philip that she's keeping the baby, we have no idea what brought her to that decision.

Ben is a lousy liar...

...but he knows how to spread the cheese.

Jennifer asks why Ben jumped down her throat when she suggested she try to get a volunteer job at the prison.  Ben fumbles with the ball for a second but quickly recovers his grip.

"Well...because you're so sweet and kind.  And beautiful."

Save!

Signs of Struggle

Hope is informed that while Bo was nowhere to be found, there were definitely signs of a struggle present at the location of the meeting in the woods.

Because being hit over the head and falling in a big, unconscious heap on the floor equals a struggle when your fight co-ordinator's got the day off.

FTW

Nathan shows up at the Brady Pub (again) and Ben asks Nathan to tell Jen that they can always use volunteers at the hospital in an attempt to put her off volunteering at the prison. Nathan tells Ben that Jen (oh god) is well-aware of that fact as she's helped out at the hospital many, many times. Then Jen smiles awkwardly at Nathan while Ben smiles awkwardly at her. Then Nathan stares awkwardly at both of them. Finally Jen says, "I heard you were going to stay in Salem. I'm glad to hear that."

More uncomfortable, soapy stares.

"Am I missing something?" Nathan asks.

Where do I start?

Brady is an evil mastermind

Brady sends Vivian and Gus a crate of fine wine and caviar. The castaways are momentarily thrilled until Gus digs around the crate to discover Brady purposely left out the corkscrew when preparing the care package. Shaking the wine bottle at the heavens, Vivian makes a vow.

"As God is my witness I will get off this island!"

"I hate to point out the obvious, Madame, but you've said that about a hundred times already."

"Well, I haven't said this: As God is my witness I will open up this bottle with my teeth if I have to!"

Timing is everything

Philip promises to help Melanie with this baby whether she wants it or not.

"The truth is that over the years I've grown up alot.  You've changed me."

It's too soon after impregnating your wife's stepmother for you to be saying that, Philip.

Rafe is a one-trick pony

Rafe continues to milk this FBI thing for all it's worth (which wasn't very much to begin with) by giving Johnny "an official FBI hat".  It seems he's been squirreling gifts from the Quantico souvenir shop for a long time now.  He still has a scarf, tie clip and official FBI splash pants tucked away to cover the next few milestones in Johnny's life.  I bet he's kicking himself right now for not stealing one of those official novelty "FB-Eye" patches when he had the chance.

Seriously, why doesn't he just save us all a little Pepto-Bismal and just have "RAFE" tattooed across the kid's forehead?  I'm sure Sami would totally go for that.  It could match the giant, identical tattoo she's got on her ass.

Come and knock on our door

In a scene that could very well have been taken out of an updated-for-modern-times 'Three's Company' script, Dr. Ben accidentally takes Nathan's phone (which is identical to his) when he leaves the pub.  When Hope calls to find out who Warden Jane's mysterious contact is, Nathan answers, believing the phone on the table to be his.  You can almost here the laugh track and canned "uh-oh"s.

It's baaa-aaack.

"Didn't I tell you everything was gonna work out?"

"Okay, Agent I-Told-You-So," Sami beams.

Rafe corrects her.

"Commander."

Sami and Rafe bob for apples in the waiting room

So.

Vivian's Island continues to entertain.  In fact it's pretty much the only thing that entertained in today's eppy (well...along with Bo's very brief ride on the Groovy Train).  I even found the Magic scenes dull.

Would I watch this episode? Yes - with my finger on the FF button, poised to release when Louise Sorel appears on the screen.

The hospital scenes are all a set-up for just around the corner when EJ decides to rid his children's lives of Rafe. And if you weren't thinking "Godspeed" before, I'm sure you will after today's episode.  Sami and Rafe celebrating how perfect their lives have turned out (at the expense of just about every character on the show) has the opposite effect I'm sure the writers were hoping for.  The (alleged) romantic moments between them continue to seem forced and their scenes are frequently bloated with that awful Rancho Relaxo music they play in hopes that it will make up for the fact that the characters are drier than a couple of Premium Plus crackers left out in the open air for a couple of days.

If these are going to continue to be the days of our lives, I want someone to have mercy on us all and pull the plug.