Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Humanizing Salem

The theme of today's show is "If at eighth you don't succeed, try, try again". 

I'm not sure what the writers are thinking, particularly after yesterday's episode during which Veruca Salt-Hernandez spit a rather long stream of venom at EJ and Nicole.  Today the writers tried to tip the scale again by having Sami launch into her usual, teary "why does everything bad have to happen to me" schtick.  The problem is that Sami's misery up against EJ's lately weighs about the same amount as how much we care at this point, which is pretty much zero, rendering the scale pretty much untippable in her favour.

For instance, remember yesterday when EJ told Nicole he didn't want Sami showing up at the hospital because he didn't want Sami hijacking everyone with her incessant drama?  No?  Perhaps a Days-esque flashback is in order.

Remember now?  Good.  So, anyways...


And I'm homosapien, too

Gabi tries to put off make-out time with Will until after they've both finished up their school projects and studied for their biology quiz tomorrow.  Will refuses to be shot down.

"I think we've got biology covered."

Jesus H. Christ, MY EYES!

Stefano and Jane are bad guys, don't you know

Wow.  Neo and Trinity have really let themselves go.

Two minus one equals...

...the only reminder we have these days that Sami isn't a baby.  She knows some basic math.

Lexie explains to Sami again that the cancer has spread to Johnny's other eye and that time is of the essence.  Surgery must be performed immediately.

"I understand that, Lexie.  But this is the only eye he has left."

He does still have that all-seeing third eye that's continuing to tell him that everyone around him is acting like an idiot.

Wow.  Even Rafe looks sick of Sami's drama.  Or is that empathy?  Bah, who the hell knows with this guy.

Ben ain't in it for the money

Stefano meets up with Ben on the pier (of course).  After Stefano finds out that getting another eye for Johnny isn't as simple as sticking a quarter into a gumball machine and popping the prize back into the kid's head, he gets impatient with doe-eyed Ben, who randomly decides to remind us of his motives.

"I am not involved in this operation to make money.  I'm doing this to save lives."


Seriously, how long is it going to take for us to find out whether or not Ben knows that prison inmates are being murdered rather than just succumbing to harsh prison life (pfft)?  He just keeps saying the same shit over and over again.  Am I supposed to think he's shifty, has a god complex, or is just dumb?  I phrased that incorrectly.  Dr. Ben is dumb regardless of whether or not he's one or both of the first two.

Stefano is behind this operation

In case you weren't paying attention when he said it the first few times today.

"I am behind this operation, and I can't even help my grandson?"


Hope's been a busy little beaver the past few months

In between taking all those sleeping pills, mugging the professionals of Salem, dousing her estranged husband with gasoline, getting beaten up with a stocking full of oranges, and breaking out of prison, Hope managed to find time to take a refresher course at the academy.

"That refresher course at the academy has really come in handy.  Computer hacking for the good guys."

Yeah, okay.  And Caroline was teaching the course.  Fine.  Whatever gets us to the conclusion of this stupid story faster.

Harold Watch 2011

Omigod!  There he is!

It's all about the element of surprise

Jane tries to lull Bo into a false sense of security by covering his eyes with a satiny, cushioned, top-of-the-line sleep mask to wear.

"It's so soft against my skin.  Almost sensuous."

Johnny's cancer continues to spread while Sami acts like a petulant child

Sami rambles on and on about how she promised Johnny he wouldn't have to have any more surgery, which I guess bothers Sami since this will be the first time she's ever broken a promise to anyone.

She tells Daniel to promise her that this surgery will remove all the cancer the same way the writers have wittled away all of our patience for this woman. 

Once again, EJ pretty much looks the way I felt watching this disaster.

Off the map

I have nothing to add.

No more tears

Sami decides she needs to put up a brave front for Johnny before he's wheeled in for surgery.

"I can't cry anymore."

Good, because honestly I can't take it anymore.

The Lexie Hug

It just looks so warm and woolly.  Like a mammoth.

Once again - Ben saves lives.  And Stefano is behind this operation

Stefano, after reminding us again that he's "behind this operation" (though he's said it so many times now that not only is he in front of the operation, he's practically sitting in my tea), tells Ben about how he felt when he was waiting for a transplant and thought he was going to die.  Sure.  Why not?

Similar to the "Caroline switched the paternity results" fiasco, the writers invite the viewers to take a stroll down memory lane until we hit on something that could pass for the ghost of any sort of logic that will have Stefano being behind all this make even a lick of sense.  And it still doesn't.

So close

"Can I get you something?"

"How 'bout a miracle?"

"You sure deserve one."

"No.  No, I don't."


"And neither does EJ."

And I was beginning to worry that she'd come to her senses.  Phew, right?

Nicole vs. Sami:  No contest right now.

I have been enjoying  Nicole and EJ's scenes together.  Don't get me wrong - I'd sooner want Lee to remove my liver with a spork than watch EJ and Nicole rekindle their pseudo-romance.  I liken EJ's relationship with Nicole to Charlie Brown's relationship with Sally. 

Nicole is wonderful in this episode.  From speaking to Daniel to ensure he's emotionally stable enough to operate on Johnny after everything that's happened with Chloe, to giving Johnny a hug and promising when he gets back  home he can have an ice cream sundae for breakfast, Nicole just warms my cold and shrivelled heart.

Rafe and Nicole:  I think I see a spark

There go my eyes again.

Okay, no.  Really.  I saw a spark today.  Nicole and Rafe both express their mutual concern for Johnny, after which Rafe remarks, "You really do love that boy, don't you?"

It's the first thing Rafe's ever said that didn't feel like a hat pin poking at my eardrum.

EJ continues to get treated like the daycare biter

Just about everyone around EJ today, including his sister, lectures him about the importance of family.  I'm not sure how close I'd feel to my family after they joined in on the glossing over of that time I was shot in the head, but fine.  Again - whatever gets us to the end of this awful, infuriating storyline faster.

Will takes a few family snapshots for next year's Christmas card

Remember that time Johnny had cancer?  No?  Let's crack open the ol' Hernandez family photo album.

Lee goes on a walkabout

Lee, evidently able to leave the prison anytime she damn-well pleases, gets all dressed up to meet Jane in the woods to deliver some sodium pentothal to administer to an uncooperative Bo.

Ah, truth serum.  The mentally-blocked, budget-conscious writer's best friend.


EJ and Sami prep Johnny for surgery.

"I'm scared."

"I know.  And you know what?  It's okay to be scared..."

For Christ's sake, WE DID THIS ALREADY!

Sami collapses in EJ's arms

For about three seconds I remembered why I love these two together, despite what a monster Sami's been.

Despite an unhealthy helping of the ridiculous and the frustrating, this episode is worth watching.  Once again AZ and JS steal the show.  I swear I spotted chemistry between Rafe and a sober Nicole that I hope gets explored further (despite my being a Brady/Nicole shipper). 

Will and EJ's little conversation is further proof that the writers are off their rockers if they think I'm going to be feeling anything for the Hernandez brood other than contempt cranked up to eleven anytime soon. 

The less said about the Carly/Daniel scenes, the better - except for this - we're in for a helluva jaw-clenchingly frustrating trip if today's episode is any indication.  Carly is already a simpering, grovelling mess trying to crawl back into Daniel's broken heart and it's nauseating.  Both Carly and Crystal deserve much better than this.  The thought of having to watch Carly do the same with Melanie and whoever else we're supposed to believe she wronged gives me a headache.


  1. There are so many times you had me belly laughing that I'd pretty much have to copy and paste the entire blog post to show you my favorite parts. :) I feel like we must share a brain (although you evidently are in possession of the snarkier and much more hilarious side) because I find I agree with every word you say.

    Sooooo tired of the mess this show has become. I'm sick to death of having the writer monkeys screaming at us what a rotten guy EJ is - only to watch and see that he comes across as far more rootable than just about anyone else. And I mourn the loss of the Sami I've loved and cheered on for more years than I care to admit.

    Thanks so much for doing these - they are quickly becoming a highlight of my day. :)

  2. Your recaps/commentaries are a breath of fresh air. They succeed where the show is currently failing miserably at, i.e., entertaining its audience, recognizing the depths to which Sami has fallen, voice the illogic of the Brady’s making Carly the scapegoat, and other ills that are too numerous to mention.

    At this point, your recaps and JS/AZ acting are the only compelling factors to show for me.

  3. Oh,Diggy! You make a contemptible show more than bearable. Thanks for all the laughs!