Today's episode was pretty bloody boring Ejami-wise. It seems almost as though it was one filler episode with reminders here and there that Christmas is coming to Salem. And most of those were care of Sami and Rafe, so needless to say it was pretty nauseating.
But, just like a dark night sky, there were a few bright lights.
Funny how Sami's ideas of dreams and nightmares differ so drastically from ours. For instance -
Thinking about EJ in uniform?
diggy - dream
Sami - nightmare
What to say about the "uniform". Well, basically they just threw a gun holster on him and wrapped his broad shoulders in a Salem PD jacket. But, just like with the bad lighting and fake foliage peppering every corner of Salem, I usually let my imagination do the rest of the work for me, and that's what I did with EJ in "uniform".
I can sort of see why Sami sees this as some sort of nightmare, though. She runs up to a police officer and begs him for help in finding her children. He turns around, not only revealing himself to be the man who is keeping her from seeing her children, but also that he is outfitted in a Salem PD jacket, rendering him completely incompetent anyways. A double-whammy, if you ask me.
Rolling out of Lucas' old bed sheets to find Rafe fumbling with a Christmas tree in the living room while simultaneously discovering that what you originally thought was tinsel wrapped around his face is actually his eyebrow?
diggy - nightmare
Sami - dream
So Sami wakes up after her "nightmare" and Rafe does some topless comforting.
He tells her everything is okay and that she at least knows the kids are safe, but that's of little comfort to her. She insists that things are not okay, and that she needs to get the kids back. Rafe assures her that they will. Then he tells her to head into the livingroom for a "surprise". Sami puts on her over-used, "Now what could that man be up to?" face before finding him trying to straighten a Christmas tree he's managed to decorate (along with the rest of the smugnest). As usual, her eyes get all gooey and I'm one nightmare up on Sami.
Caroline hangs up on Stephanie
Do I even need to explain why this is funny? Probably not.
Stephanie insists on talking to Caroline yet again about the endless "everyone in town knows Philip took Chloecycle out for a ride except for Daniel" conundrum. Caroline is no longer interested (as are we) and promptly hangs up on her. The look of sheer indignance on Stephanie's face is a pretty wonderful thing to behold. If I could hang it on my tree, I would.
Too many nuts in Caroline's Christmas fruitcake
Stephanie, incensed that her grandmother would hang up on her, enters the pub in a huff. She forces Caroline to sit down and talk to her. Dull, dull, dull...until this wonderful little exchange here.
Stephanie: Grandma, you know how much I love you. And I would never want you to be hurt --
Caroline: Well, I'm not so sure about that.
Stephanie: -- but Uncle Bo and Roman can protect you from any criminal charges.
Caroline: No they can't. They have too much integrity to let me off the hook because I'm their mother.
Caroline guilts Stephanie out of revealing this whole paternity disaster by telling her that if she puts in motion the wheels that'll put Grandma Brady in the big house, she won't be able to be there for Sami. "I'm not just worried about myself, you know!" Caroline cries.
Trying to infuse some "aww, ain't they adorable" into Safe
Just like the horse allergy, the poker playing dogs and tamale night, we have the crooked tree.
Sami gazes at the tree, which looks as though it was vomited on by someone with a stomach full of Christmas decorations (it wasn't me, but it damn well could have been).
Sami tells Rafe the tree is crooked. He says it isn't. Sami tells him they can't have a crooked Christmas tree (too much crooked already happening in such a small space, after all). Rafe gets her to stop complaining about the tree by telling her very sweetly that he wubs her. They kiss and wrap their arms around eachother.
Kate dressed like Prince hosting a prime-time Channukah special
I can't even describe it and a photo just wouldn't do it justice. It really needs to be seen to be believed. Trust me.
Kate ingratiates herself to Stefano
I think this was my absolute favourite part of this episode and if I was a drummer boy, this would definitely be the star I'd follow to the manger.
Stefano tells Kate he'll take her back on one condition - that she deliver a gift to Daniel and Chloe for the baby, to thank Daniel for saving EJ's life. He gives Kate a script he's written that she must memorize and recite after giving Danloe the gift. The sour and insincere look on Kate's face as she speaks her lines is just about the funniest thing I've seen on this show in a long time (intentionally funny, I mean).
I want this speech to be recited at my wedding.
Kate: I would also like to say that what I did to the two of you was not only wrong; it was cruel. It was horrible. It was unforgiveable and I take full responsibility for it. I will hate myself for the rest of my life for making such a colossol mistake. I am a dishonest woman. I am a liar. I am pathologically jealous. I'm threatened by just about everything. Especially beautiful women.
At this point, Kate holds up her finger and takes the time to correct herself, having messed up her line, making damn sure that if we didn't know Stefano was the Cyrano behind her words before, we do now.
Kate: Oh...I mean of younger, beautiful women who are talented and charismatic - everything I am not. You see, I am a middle-aged dilitant whose only talent is making people suffer. One day, hopefully, I will learn to be a better person. But until that day I hope you accept this sincere apology.
The looks Chloe and Daniel exchange between them, suggesting that they both believe Kate has plum lost her mind, are priceless.
Daniel and Chloe momentarily think about tempting fate
Daniel and Chloe stand and stare suspiciously at the gift Kate has just delivered. They both decide it's probably in their best interests not to even go near it and quickly move onto another conversation entirely.
Daniel's christening gown...
...actually looks like a little girl's gown. I'm not kidding. This is definitely a little girl's dress subbing for a real christening gown.
So, the least interesting thing about this episode was all the Johnny-wants-his-mommy stuff. I'm not sure I agree that TPTB are going out of their way to make EJ look like a villain, or that they're pimping the Wonder Twins. I honestly think it's that things are coming to a head, the storyline is speeding up, the beats are coming faster and faster, and nothing more.
In between scenes of watching EJ's villainous moustache twirling, we're seeing him hanging his head and hating how he's hurting his children. He puts up a good front in the presence of Rsasfe, Nicole, Sami, Lexie and pretty much everyone else in town, but it's evident he's feeling lousy these days.
Sami and EJ both have to hit rock bottom before we can start working from the ground up. Once they've both run out of people to throw under the bus (some less figuratively than others) in the name of sticking it to eachother, things will get better. I'm saying this whether you're factoring in spumours or not. Things will eventually get better no matter which base camp you're roasting marshmallows at.
In the meantime, isn't it comforting knowing that fun stuff can happen on Days outside of Ejami again? If this episode taught me anything today, that would be it.