Like a Kidney Stone

Maggie, Hope, Chloe, Marlena, Kristen and Abigail need a serious intervention because they've got this whole strong, independent woman who stands by her man come hell or high water and goes after what she wants thing all wrong.  If you're the one doing all the fighting, he's not worth fighting for. If a man or woman can't do the same by you that you do by them, hang a sign around their neck that says "Free to any home but mine" and call it a day. Daniel is so not worth holding onto.  John is not worth holding onto right now either. I don't care if he has a plan to bring down Kristen.  Yeah, okay - Marlena throws child-like temper tantrums sometimes, and she pouts so often you'd think there was a piano wire running through her bottom lip and screwed into the floor, but she's still an adult.  If John has a plan, he should let Doc in on it instead of acting like a puckered old asshole.  As for Daniel, that guy is probably the most high-maintenance significant other in all of Salem now that his daughter is gone.  Mind you - Jennifer is coming in at a close second there.

HOPE

Hope, instead of badgering Jennifer into talking about her problems with Daniel, why not tell us where your fucking husband is?  Remember him?  The only thing keeping you from being Caroline?  Jennifer and that unsightly dress she's wearing don't want to ruin her homophobic, blackmailing kin and his dopey, sociopathic fiancee's special day by being moody over Dr. Second Coming of Christ.  

VARGAS

I'm going to miss all of Vargas' in-cell Cape Fearcapades once he's out of prison.  Sometimes I just like to watch a man doing shirtless push-ups for the hell of it.  I say that without even a trace of sarcasm.

NICOLE

I want to see less of Nicole's "people can't ever change" rhetoric and more of Nicole's rectory fantasies. If I want to watch two people in an enclosed space missing the irony filling up the place like steam in a sauna, I'd petition for TPTB to give John and Marlena their townhouse back.   

MARLENA AND BRADY

I can't believe the opening teaser for today's episode was Brady about to tell Marlena that John and Kristen are having coffee together. Especially since they're not technically having coffee together.  Will Marlena look wounded, lay a heavy-handed guilt trip on Brady, followed quickly by making a snarky remark about Kristen being man-hungry and/or conniving?  Stay tuned!

RAFE

"Don't mind me. I'm just passing through."

Like a kidney stone.

CAROLINE

So Caroline is giving the bible she was carrying when she married Shawn that was a gift from her grandmother...to GABI.  Of course.  Will is gay, so it's not like he's ever going to get ma--- Oh, wait a second.

Will this madness never end?

KRISTEN

Kristen's dress is fabulous, isn't it?  Jennifer, take note.

Kristen's plan started to stink a while ago.  Now that John is onto her, it's marginally more interesting, but it's still like Febrezing a pile of dirty socks rather than washing them.

EJ AND SAMI

EJ and Sami are always fun to watch, but their conversation confused me today.  Yesterday Sami was ready to run off and beg Stefano for help with the Nick situation.  EJ tells her the last thing they want is to owe Stefano a favour.  Sami says she'll do anything for her son.  EJ tells Sami he wants to keep his distance from Stefano. Sami says she won't let Stefano lure him back to the dark side.  EJ tells her (before Stefano asks) that Stefano will want them to move into the mansion, then proceeds to sort of try to convince her that it's a good idea after spending the majority of yesterday's episode telling Sami that getting involved with Stefano is a bad idea.  Sami, in the meantime, goes from wanting to give a favour to get a favour from Stefano, suddenly doesn't want to give Stefano the favour EJ and Sami aren't even supposed to be sure Stefano is going to ask for.  Remember yesterday when EJ told Sami that they should exhaust all other avenues for getting rid of Nick before going to Stefano?  Neither do they, apparently.  So as you can see, it's all very confusing.

But now for some gushing.  I couldn't love EJ and Sami finally being the loving, passionate, scheming, united front they were always meant to be more.  Sami didn't look even the least bit embarrassed when Rafe wandered by on his way to Gabi's wedding and caught them making out like teenagers on the park bench, and EJ had that deliciously smug little smile on his face.  It was fabulous.  He's looking out for her, she's looking out for him. Perfection.

IT CONTINUES

Hope and Jen look like they should be holding
shotguns. Almost a shame they aren't.

Hope gives Gabi a bracelet that once belonged to Grandma Alice.  Sure, she could save it for Ciara or Abigail, but - pfffft.  Nick's mother, like Gabi's mother, apparently can't afford bus fare to Salem, so they aren't there.  But Nick's mum sent a scarf that looks like it would suit Maggie far better than a 20-year-old girl.  Just when you think three wisemen are going to show up to give Gabi and her unborn baby some frankincense and myrrh body butter from Crabtree & Evelyn, the gift-giving is interrupted by a wedding.

Maggie, of course, isn't there.  This surprises me because we know that she has absolutely nothing better to do unless she's busy somewhere washing Daniel's feet with her hair.  Doug and Julie aren't there either, nor is Abigail who we're still supposed to  believe is Gabi's BFF.  Bo is still AWOL, of course, but I guess the writers are tired of having to come up with ways to explain his absence so they just didn't even bother this time around.

I would say that Rafe is acting indifferent because he's not fully on
board with Gabi marrying Nick, but that would still suggest that even
a little bit of acting was happening here.

I'm sure it doesn't come as that big a surprise that the best part of Nick and Gabi's wedding was watching Vargas putting on his own wedding band before being told he's a free man, even if it unintentionally looked like he and Nick married in prison and now he's on his way to hijack the wedding and reclaim his "bride".

SAMI'S DIMANSION DAYMARE

I loved everything about this daydream.  I loved that Kristen had that gigantic, Jerseylicious hair while Sami had that very prim and proper bun, I loved the look on Sami's face while she was working that martini shaker, and the expression on Kristen's face as she swished the martini around in her mouth made me giggle.

IN CONCLUSION

In conclusion, here is a picture of John drinking a glass of water at the Brady Pub after having a coffee at Common Grounds and before having dinner out in Horton Square, which may confirm that he is indeed homeless and all he has to keep warm right now is that open-necked shirt and black coat.  Either that or he's working for the SPD.

Everyone is considering moving into the DiMansion except for John, and that's frustrating as arse.