As I'm sure you know by now, one of my biggest pet-peeves when it comes to soaps is when I'm being written down to, or when important corners are cut just for the sake of plot. It's lazy. Take a couple of extra seconds to do it right, guys. I'm not expecting Law & Order or ER here. I just want to be able to save my eye-rolling for the good stuff. Oh, hey. Wait. Maybe I'm the lazy one.
Am I supposed to be thinking, "Sami, you've got it all wrong! Gabi isn't the manipulative bitch! It's Nick! Nick's the bitch! Leave the poor girl alone!"? Because it isn't going to happen. Gabi is still a bitch, and I won't be happy until she gets run out of town by a mob headed by Abby and Adrienne carrying boards of wood with long, rusty nails hammered through them. If all goes according to plan, Chad will be sitting in a leather wingback chair, sipping on juice and gin, and watching live coverage of the lynching on the news.
ABBY AND CAMERON
Maxine and Anne need to organize a "Putting up with Deveraux
Bullshizz in the Workplace" seminar.
Bullshizz in the Workplace" seminar.
Donna Martin is really trying my patience with her virgin bullshit. Honestly, if this mess had to happen, couldn't they at least have waited until Abby and Cameron were dating and maybe he was trying to work her strings to unbuckle his trousers? At least then I'd get to watch two beautiful people making out. And who knows? Maybe they'd actually be able to dry-hump up some sexual chemistry. Instead, this is all going down like a hostage negotiation. Celibacy has a gun to Abby's head and Cameron is trying to talk it into turning itself in. Wait, that's not a good comparison. That makes it sound mildly exciting. If anything needs a gun put to its head, it's this storyline.
JENNIFER, DANIEL, MAGGIE
Jennifer tells Daniel that she trusts him. She tells him that Chloe keeps rubbing her perfect breasts, big blue eyes, and lacy panties in her face. She tells him that Chloe is going out of her way to make Jennifer uncomfortable, to put doubts in her head. Logically, the solution Jennifer comes up with is for Daniel to not have any contact with Chloe whatsoever. You know what might work better, Jen? You having no contact with Chloe. You turning on your heel and walking away when you see Chloe coming. You not heading over to the Kiriakis mansion, or Dan's apartment, or cornering her in the hospital to tell her you know what she's up to, and that it's not going to work. You not engaging her in conversation. Or maybe you could just stop by your neighbourhood spy store and throw down a little cash for a pen and a headset.
This man is on the verge of a very clumsily-executed killing spree.
Jennifer and Maggie really need an intervention. They obviously think Daniel is a moron, and he's proven in the past that he is a moron ("Jennifer, how would you feel if I told you not to have anymore contact with Jack?"), but they're doing him no favours by continuing to enable it. That's the real story here. Maybe that's why Dan is always out to save women. Maybe it's because it's the only way to remind himself that he isn't an empty-headed himbo.
ROMAN (AND MARLENA?)
I'm assuming that Roman is around so that he can bump into Marlena at the hospital when they finally decide to bring Eric in to get his rattled head examined. Because, of course, this might be the only way to get the two in a scene together. As we know, Marlena spends most of her time these days hanging out at coffee shops moping about John, hanging by park benches moping about John, and sitting alone in romantic restaurants moping about John. This is in between bouts of telling people their relationships are doomed, and blaming everyone but herself for handling the problems in her relationship with all the finesse of...well...Jennifer. Since Sami and Will are already at the hospital, it could also be the perfect time for Marlena to tell Sami what a horrible person is. YAY!
Between Roman not bothering to ask if Nicole is alright, and being in absolutely no hurry to call an ambulance to come for his injured son, Roman is still the best cop on the force. Jesus H. Christ, how sad is that? Of course my favourite part was when Roman told Nicole and Eric that they'd probably track down Johnny Suede eventually, but that it would probably "take some time". A long time, I'm sure. To further comfort a visibly on-edge Nicole, he adds, "Looks like most of the money is still here, so let's try to stop him before he tries again." Oy vey.
"You think God would let a priest get seriously hurt with a cross?"
HANDSOME COP DOING HIS JOB
"Ma'am, are you okay?"
Why, yes. Yes, I am.
KAYLA AND CAMERON
Days' long-held tradition of wanting to protect the delicate women of Salem from the big, bad, real world (*snort*) by keeping pertinent information from them continues. Instead, Cameron and Kayla tell a well over 18-year-old Gabi's brother, fiance and baby-daddy that all may not be well with the baby. Out in the hall. Where any passerby could hear them (including Sami, who was able to hear what they were discussing all the hell the way across the room).
By the way - I know everyone was very quick to blame this whole thing on Sami, and I know sex is usually perfectly safe during pregnancy, but shouldn't Nick maybe have mentioned it just in case? Or the fact that Gabi had been standing on her feet all day working at the pub? Or maybe that she's been complaining about being exhausted the past few times we've had to look at her? No, the menfolk are right. This is totally Sami's fault. Because these days, when it's not EJ's fault, it's Sami's fault.
Personally, I think the baby is just trying to make a run for it.
In conclusion, thank God Scandal is on tonight. I need something to cleanse my soap palate really badly right now.