Law and Disorderlies

At one point, someone actually asked, "Where are we going?" 

You tell me.

I really hate to be that one guy at the bachelor party who's a total wet blanket and doesn't want to chip in for a lap dance for the groom, but here goes.  I hated yesterday's episode, for some reasons not dissimilar to the problems I had with these episodes. There was so much I'd been loving about the show -- Rafe being in a coma after that (not brutal enough) beating, Nick telling Gabi he probably isn't that into her (join the club), Will and Sonny being adorable, and Kristen, Kristen, Kristen...But today was...blech.

First of all, despite what Gary Tomlin might think, Rafe Hernandez is not John Lennon, and, unfortunately, I don't mean because John Lennon ain't coming back. Compare Rafe being in an induced coma to the last time Bo was in an induced coma. Bo - a beloved character who had kids (his own), a mother, father, wife, relatives, and longtime friends to sit at his bedside and worry about him - was in a storyline all off on its own, languishing on whatever the Siberian equivalent of Planet Rafe is God Thou Shalt Not Worship Any Other God But Him is. If I remember correctly, Hope was stuck in Alamania with John and her own shitty storyline. Both went nowhere. Fine. Different writers. But, come on. When will this show reach the end of the red carpet they started rolling out for Rafe five years ago? Rafe's coma has the entire town weeping and gnashing their teeth. I'm surprised we haven't seen Sami's kids curled up like sad, tired little kittens at the foot of his bed yet, Johnny wrapped in his old FBI jacket, which is worn, faded and busting at the seams. We get it, Tomlin. Women want him, and men want to be him. Whatever I have to say to get you to give me a fucking break from him. Yeesh. Even in a coma the guy is on every damn day.

Okay. Next.

The drama was amped up in yesterday's episode, but that's about it. It was there, it was being terrifically-acted, but I couldn't get caught up in all the drama because it was lost in a thick fog of stupidity. 

Looks like he was going to butter the bread with that knife before
slicing the salami.

Despite the fact that almost half of the town's inhabitants are cops and the other half work in the hospital, something that's been the case for literally decades, Days is incredibly horrible when it comes to keeping track of even the most basic of medical and legal protocol. Also things like logic, physics, et cetera.

Let's see if we can do this character by character, starting with...

KATE

Which one is the "I'm" and which one is the "Stupid"?

Never has a character gone from being a favourite character to a least favourite character in a shorter amount of time. Okay, that's not fair. I went from loving Sami to hating Sami mighty quick when Rafe showed up (I hope you were sitting down for that).  I know Kate said Rafe gave her back her soul, but I'm convinced it was the wrong soul.  I don't recognize the Kate on screen right now. This woman sent Sami to deathrow and Chloe to death's door. She's survived physical abuse, emotional abuse, her kids being stolen from her, her men being stolen from her, and all the while she was dressed to the nines, running businesses and helping younger men sow their wild Salem oats like the sexy, soapy cougar that she is. Suddenly she's going on her knees to give Rafe apologetic blowjobs, lavishing the woman who had no problem with her husband blackmailing Kate's grandson out of being a part of his daughter's life, and constantly walking around town like a soggy tissue, crying into her decaf. She's spent more time crying at Rafe's bedside, comforting Gabi, and barking at Sami and EJ than she has visiting her grandson or looking into how the hell Jensen got free. In short, Kate's head is wedged so far and tightly up Rafe's ass right now that I'm not sure I'll ever recognize her again should someone manage to pull her out of there. The last female character he had this effect on is still in recovery, which brings us to...

SAMI

Gun? What's a gun?

Jesus H. Christ, where do I even start?

I understand they wanted this huge umbrella storyline for the summer, but could they have laid it on any thicker with the Rafe worship?  I guess the answer to that question is probably always going to be "yes". First of all, Sami taking responsibility for Rafe's beating is beyond ridiculous. Rafe is a fucking cop. It's one helluva stretch to get me to believe that only one cop at the police department knew Jensen was being released, then never made mention of it again. I'm not buying Hope's bullshit. It isn't Sami's fault you took your daughter to work on your way to see the bloody pandas. This lies solely with you and the rest of Salem's keystone cops, Hopeless. Remember when Sami said, "If it isn't my fault, it's EJ's"? That wasn't just a throwaway gag. 

Sami apologizing to Rafe really boiled my potato, but not nearly as much as her retelling of the events leading up to the shooting. Rafe was feeling a little warm, so you went to get a cool cloth for him? You're in a hospital, you fickle little doof. I also didn't understand the shock shooting that man put her in. We know she's shot people before (all too well). We saw her fucking EJ into the age of Aquarius just thinking about killing Nick, and having sex with Rafe the night she shot EJ in the head. There's no freaking way you're going to get me to buy that shooting Ronald McDonald, or whatever his name was, could send her into hysterics the way it did. Sorry, waiter. Take it back and bring me something else on the menu.

I'm starting to think Sami is suffering from the PTSD that comes from being a Brady. A sort of PBSD. She's constantly apologizing for who she is, bowing and scraping for any shred of respect from them, then she goes ahead and saves some dick's life (literally), and Hope is still at the ready to hang the girl with her jewelry (which is available on her website, by the way). Maybe that's what sent Sami into shock. The girl can't ever win with that family.

GABI

"Who would want to kill my brother?"

You mean the brother currently lying two feet away from you in an induced coma after a man nearly beat him to death? That brother?

Next.

HOPE AND ABE

Guys, it's too soon after the Jensen incident to roll
your eyes when EJ accuses the SPD of being inept.

Hope and Abe were in the same room as Ronald McDonald's body and they still had to wait until he was "identified" before they knew who he was?  Forensics couldn't find the knife? Did they check under the bed? On the bed? Did another DiMera associate manage to get into the room during the kerfuffle and pocket it? Because there was plenty of time for that to happen. Nope. Forensics have decided in fifteen seconds that there was no knife in the room when they looked for it, which means that a knife never existed. Abe and Hope are going to give Ronald the benefit of the doubt, but not Sami. What's this woman's motive for killing an unarmed cop in a hospital room just off the main lobby where everyone and their Aunt Maggie could hear the gun firing? It's Sami, and as of late she's been practicing dark magic with EJ's wand, conjuring up knives and making them disappear just as quickly. Voldemore-EJ-more must be stopped.

Yes.

Throughout that conversation there was one ridiculous "dun, dun, DUNNNNNN" moment after another. "Detective Ronald McDonald?!" Dun, dun, DUNNNNN! "He and Rafe were close friends." Dun, dun, DUNNNNN! "Forensics went over the room, and there was no knife!" Dun, dun, DUNNNNN! "In fact, Detective Ronald McDonald had no weapon of any sort on him at all!" Dun, dun, DUNNNNN! Did anyone reveal to Sami that he's her real father? I might not have heard it over all the screaming in my head.

Hey, wait a second. Detective Ronald McDonald had NO weapon of any sort on him at all? Not even, oh, I don't know, a gun? Because he's a cop? Nothing, huh? Of course not.

Speaking of who is or isn't a cop, what is Abe's job now? Is he just a detective? Is he commissioner again? Can you get your old position back after a run as mayor? Is it like a maternity leave?

KRISTEN AND NICOLE

Fine. I cannot tell a lie. The "That had to hurt"
comment made me giggle.

I was all on board with the Kristen/Nicole confrontation until they started pulling each other's hair. Then I thought, "No pool to fall into? No cakes to throw or wedding dresses to tear? What's the point?" I was enjoying the venom they were spitting at each other. If you can't go all out for your catfights anymore, then just do the absolute best you can with the dialogue. And the dialogue leading up to the point where it got physical was fantastic, so it made the sudden hair-yanking even more disappointing. You had two great actresses playing characters with deep, deep closets just chock full of skeletons to load their cannons with. I know the catfight is a soap staple, but it was little more than a stunt to stick in a promo here. It wasn't necessary.

BRADY, JOHN AND MARLENA

John looking a little Peter Quintish there in the background.

While I'm looking forward to seeing Brady and Nicole hanging out together again, and the possible Ericole/Bricole triangle their renewed friendship may yield, I'm so not looking forward to Brady's "You Told Me So" tour. No matter what Kristen did to Brady, it doesn't change the fact that John and Marlena couldn't mind their own damn business and just leave their 40-year-old son's love life alone. I don't like when Maggie does it, but I hate it when John and Marlena do it. Say what you will, but John and Marlena are selfish people. They've only ever looked out for each other. Oh, and Carrie. Sami and Brady have always been afterthoughts. I don't think they've been purposely written that way, I think it's just the way it is. No matter what the songs tell you, losing yourself in another person is not romantic. Sami lost herself in Rafe, and look where that left the character. Marlena lost herself in John years ago, and I've seen no sign of her since. I'm hoping that after a week or two of moping, we get to see Marlena being Marlena again now that John is leaving town for a while.

EJ

Conjugal or not, someone owes someone some
post-shooting sex.

I'm glad EJ lost his shit on Abe and Hope, and my lady bits tingled a little when he told Kate, Sami and Gabi to get out of Rafe's hospital room. If there's anyone who should have gone into shock after Sami fired that gun, it should have been EJ. Instead, he was exactly where we expected him to be - protecting Sami. Comforting Sami. Telling Hope to fuck off. God love him.

STEFANO

BOOM. Nothing else to say.

IN CONCLUSION

Bliss, thy name is DiMera.

In conclusion, I would have wet my pants if there had ever been a Tony/Andre/Stefano/EJ scene set to the introduction of Prokofiev's "Dance of the Knights". There's still time, Days. There's still time.