SUPER-SIZED!

SUPER-SIZED!  Four days worth of Days in one sitting!  I'm doing it so you don't have to! 

 

MONDAY

Isn't It Romantic?

Sami and Rafe reunite at the Safehouse, which is essentially the Smugnest but with a different fridge and white sheets draped all over the furniture.  

Sami, still not certain that this man isn't faking his amnesia (it's hard to know because that blank look in his eyes is pretty much there twenty-four hours a day), angrily rushes for the door, coming face-to-face with Efar.

Sami’s initial facial expression in reaction to seeing Efar standing in the doorway is very much akin to the expression I had on my face when I realized that the book I so vehemently insisted to my sister I had returned to her two weeks ago was actually still on my coffee table buried beneath a bowl of stale popcorn and one of my cats.

Speaking of Double the Fun

Taylor looks like Lexie, except bonier and dressed like Lindsay Lohan on her way to a court date.  Meanwhile, Lexie is still dressed like a giraffe.  

 Nicole is still wearing the grey, leather jacket she picked up at one of Rick Springfield’s yard sales.

 

Masking One's Pain

EJ informs Stefano that he will not be divorcing Nicole.  When Stefano points out, yet again, that EJ has everything he could ever want except the whole being-in-love-with-his-wife thing, EJ declares, with little conviction that "love is over-rated, confusing, and distracting"...

...on this show in particular.  Mostly for the viewers.

Meanwhile...

Still putting the "me" in Melanie

Abby (who is still dressed like Anne Hathaway in Brokeback Mountain) tries again and again to get away from Melanie before their confrontation turns into something uglier and just as boring.  Melanie, on a loop, holds out her arm to keep Abby from leaving while doing the gameshow “wrong answer” buzzer thing like a highschool bully.   

Melanie starts bad-mouthing Jack.  Abby throws down the Uncle Lucas card.  At this point you’d think that Melanie would back off, given that it's pretty hard to deny that Daniel has a pretty steady record of climbing under beds to play with other children's toys, but Melanie persists.  She not only persists, she smugly announces that Chloe cheating on Lucas was not Daniel’s fault.  

"If Chloe and Lucas broke up, it’s because they weren’t meant to be together."

Which means someone owes Chloe a couple of hugs now, right?

For a second or two I close my eyes and imagine Abby making a pretty little fist and punching Melanie in the throat with it, and what I’m pretty sure is a mini evil-gasm runs through me.  It’s evil-gasmic.

Once the fight is broken up by Daniel and Jennifer, Melanie wants to “clear the air” as it were.   

“Oh come on, Abigail.  Three out of the four of us are adults here –"

You're so right, girl.  

The writers need to figure out how old Melanie is supposed to be.  I can’t watch her canoodling with Brady while fighting like a fifteen-year-old with Abigail.

Thank the Soap Gods For Maxine

It hasn't escaped me (or anyone else) that there's only one black family on this show.  It also hasn't escaped me that Days is trying to make up for a vanilla-flavoured Salem, not by adding another anything-but-white cast member, but by filling the background with black extras.  Hardly the same thing.  A few months back there was a casting call for "an African-American male, aged 35-40".  I'm hoping this pans out.  I'm also hoping he somehow ends up being related to Maxine, because I love her and I want to see more of her.

Shocked and Appalled.  And...shocked.  No, really.

Sami is shocked and appalled when Efar pulls out a gun.  Because she's never seen one this close up before.

"You’re not the kind of person who would shoot someone in cold blood!"

 

 Too easy.

The Audacity

After Daniel and Jennifer break up what I guess was supposed to be a catfight, Melanie confronts Daniel about the Dannifer date that ended up putting Jenn in the hospital.  She wonders why Abby hates Daniel so much without knowing anything about him.

"There has to be some reason Abigail thinks that you’re this sleazy guy who pushes himself on other women."

 

Yeah, I got nothing.

Again...

Efar tries to convince Sami that he's the real Rafe and our plaid-y intruder must be destroyed.

"This guy was hired by the DiMeras!"

"Okay, maybe he was!  But that doesn't mean you can just execute him!"

 

............................................................................?!

Stefano says "Ass"

Despite the seriousness of the scene, James Scott can barely mask his glee.

Stefano assures EJ that Samantha and Rafael Hernandez "will never be in any position to take your children away from you..."

Which was pretty much the state of things BEFORE he concocted this whole imbecilic plan, but whatever.

Everything's Gone Beige

Everything’s beige.  Good thing she's holding that gun, otherwise I'd have missed her.

Never has a colour scheme better-suited a storyline.  The only good thing about these scenes is that this unholy trinity of idiocy is being contained, which cuts GG’s screen-time in half.

Cliffhanger

Nicole decides to go to the pier and talk to herself.  Stefano shows up and overhears her.   

Business as usual.

TUESDAY

Mercifully, we don't have to wait long before we're back on the pier with Nicole and Stefano.  I don't know about you, but I was awake all night wondering if Stefano would finally pull out a gun and just plug someone who was ticking him off, or if he'd just stand around making Nicole uncomfortable.  It was the latter.  Boo.

Not that I don't love Nicole, because I do.  I really, really do.  But she's putting a helluva lot of effort into a relationship she's admitted a hundred times now isn't based on any real feelings.  I know, I know.  It's the principle, right?  

I'm sick of Nicole sacrificing her dignity for the sake of revenge.  Sure - I love watching her make Taylor and EJ squirm, but it's taking too damn long and she seems to have lost focus.  I think TPTB believe that in between episodes I'm lying on my couch in a drug-induced haze, forgetting silly stuff like Nicole's motivations overnight.  And they're half right.

Anyways, I know that people are thinking, "Good for Nicole - she's got the goods and now she's putting the screws to those who betrayed her", but I don't see it that way.  Okay, Nicole has an ace up her sleeve, but she's going through humiliation after humiliation to hold onto it.  This is not a strong, take-charge Nicole.  My Nicole would be pulling EJ's strings and messing with Taylor's head with Brady at her side.

I'd have loved to have seen a scenario where Nicole kept on blackmailing EJ to keep him locked into their "business arrangement" while still playing mother to his children and schtupping Brady in full view of him.  Humiliations galore.  Brady gets a little revenge (Eric gets some well-deserved screentime), they both have EJ's balls in a vice (because it's not like I ever will), and Taylor is miserable.  Sweet.

This is all, of course, if the powers that be insist on trying to get me to love Taylor by scratching my back on a daily basis with her pointy, pointy pelvic bones.

You Can't Spoof a Spoof

Victor catches Henderson watching his favourite soap.

The dialogue between the man and the woman on screen goes as follows:

Woman:  Of course we have differences, darling!  But that’s what keeps things interesting!  You like it hot, I like it cold.”

Man:  Hot.  Cold.  Dammit!  Who cares about our differences?  Why can’t we meet halfway?

Victor:  That very bad actor makes a very good point.

The funny/sad thing about this is that they’re trying to do a clever soap within a soap thing but the dialogue in the spoof is just as shitty as most of the dialogue on the actual show.  "A" for effort.  "F"  for execution.  I'm not even going to touch Victor's line because I could go on all weekend.

Over at Maggie’s Halfway House for Would-be Hookers, Maggie, much like both myself and Victor, is also indulging in some craptacular soapiness.  We cut back and forth between Victor agreeing with everything the actors are saying to Maggie disagreeing with everything the actors are saying.  Victor wonders why he and Maggie can't meet eachother halfway while Maggie decides that Victor needs to meet her all the way, contradicting everything that's happened to bring these two together.  

The cheesy dialogue continues on the faux soap then bleeds almost seamlessly into the next scene in which EJ and Taylor argue in circles about who the hell knows what. 

Okay, guys.  Really.  Please stop putting stuff on Taylor that makes her look even skinnier than she already is.  Honestly, that chain she’s wearing looks like it could wrap around her waist at least three times.

When Will It End?

After doing everything but throw her arms around EJ’s knees begging for affirmations of his feelings for her, she makes him promise to never hurt Nicole and always treat her with respect.  The look on EJ’s face pretty much says it all. 

Actually, wait.  I think Daniel's says it even better.

After EJ assures Taylor that he will keep the promise, she says goodbye.  Though not before letting him know that she’ll send somebody to get her stuff.

Jesus Christ, Taylor.   Who?  Who are you going to send to get your stuff?  Do you have somebody else’s husband stuffed in that diaper bag you’re carrying around?

Actually, sorry.  It's just a regular purse.  I thought it was a diaper bag because, you know,  Taylor looks like a swizzle-stick. 

Chloe is the same colour as Maggie's cookies

 

It's time for an intervention.

Okay, he's old.  But he's not THAT old

Brady finds Victor on the pier staring off into space.  He explains to Brady that he asked to be dropped off there so he could walk along the river.   

All ten feet of it.

Deja Vu?  Never Happened.

Nicole explains to EJ that she has many copies of the Rafe DNA nonsense all over town to ensure that if something happens to her, everyone will learn what EJ and Stefano have done.   

Flashing back to Nicole telling EJ about all the copies she made of his Sydnapping confessions to send all over the planet, are you?  No?  Of course not.  After all, that happened way over three weeks ago.

 

EJ tells Nicole she's delusional

 

H-okay, EJ.

The Slip

Johnny breaks up the argument when it gets a little too loud.  I was starting to think he was dead, but here he is!

 

Oh, wait.  Here’s Mary.  It seems Johnny gave her the slip.  I wonder how he managed to get out of those handcuffs.  What am I saying?  He’s EJ and Sami’s son.  Silly me.

Winter's over...

...and so goes the scarf.  But all is not lost.  EJ has one of Taylor's blouses.

 

Meanwhile, at the Cheatin' Heart

 

O Nicole.  How I do love thee.

Maggie lists about a dozen reasons why she loves Victor...

...then dumps him.

EJ asks Lexie how Taylor is doing

Because alot can happen in five minutes.

Just because...

I just took this picture because...well, look at him.

 

Damn you, Days.  Damn you to hell.

WEDNESDAY

Did you miss them?

After Sami is able to deduce which dope is her dope, the Smug makes a comeback.

That didn’t take long, did it? 

The romantic synthesizer music swells as Rafe asks how Sami managed to figure out he was the real deal.  Instead of telling him it was the fact that he was wearing a plaid shirt – Rafe’s uniform – she tells him she just knew.

“You’re back!”

 

Cry, smile, cry.

Sami explains to Rafe that she knew the second she laid eyes on Efar that something was off.  Which, of course, would explain why she had sex with him about a dozen times.

 Smile, cry, smile.

After Sami explains what the DiMeras have done to Rafe, he insists that they call the cops.  Sami tells him they can’t do that.  

Why?

“We just can’t.”

Okay...?

“My ex-husband, EJ…he’s the father of two of my children…If we told my dad and my uncle what EJ has done, they’ll want to come breaking into the DiMera’s house with guns blazing –“

…which is much more Sami’s style.

“—and sirens screaming, and they’ll end up going to prison for the rest of their lives.”

….so…?

Sami goes on to explain that the reason she can’t let the Brady Bunch know anything is because EJ has the ability to just disappear, taking the kids with him.  She mentions that he’s tried to do that once before, “and you stopped him”…which I don’t remember.  I do remember Sami shooting EJ in the head though.  But again – that happened over three weeks ago, therefore it never happened.

The most important thing here is that Sami’s motive for not wanting to let Roman and Bo know what’s going on – like everything else on this show –makes no fucking sense.

It can.  Trust me.

EJ gives Lexie a note to give to Taylor.

And you were asking yourself if this could get any more juvenile, right?

I’ll give myself severe heartburn from having to swallow my vomit over and over again if I have to hear an EJ voice-over as Taylor reads the note, more likely than not while standing on the pier.  When she's finished, of course, she'll stare off into the distance as her beady little eyes well up with tears... 

Shocked and disgusted

Days did not receive an Emmy nomination this year in the category of "Outstanding Achievement in Costume Design for a Drama Series".

I, for one, am outraged.

Prince Charming

Rafe is charming the pants off Sami.

 

Not a hard thing to do.

The rest of the episode as far as Sami and Rafe's romantic reunion is concerned goes pretty much like this:

“You’re a cop.”

“I’m a cop?!”

"You used to be an FBI agent."

"I used to be an FBI agent?!"

“I have a son.  He’s in highschool.”

“You have a son in highschool?!”

“He’s in love with your sister.”

“I have a sister?!”

At no time does she say, “You had a second sister, but after we both shoved her under a bus, my son – who you may remember is in highschool – chased her in front of a car.”

Because that never happened.  Three-week rule.

Nailed it...

Well...everything but the voice-over which would probably have put the episode over budget.  Probably why all the note said was, "I will always love you".

 

The only thing that really and truly amused me?

Nicole forcing EJ to sleep in the same bed with her.  EJ has made his bed and now he must literally lie in it.  Sweet.

 

Think of how much better this all could have been if she was also still having sex with Brady on a regular basis.

 

Wasted opportunities.

THURSDAY

Not much worth mentioning about Thursday.  There was some cute Adrienne/Justin stuff, but it literally only lasted about a minute.  Boo.  Anyways, here we go.

Drugstore Cowgirl

Carly is apparently so hopelessly addicted to drugs, she’s popping Aerius allergy pills.

Glass House.  Free French Fries.

After telling Melanie that she has no business passing judgement on her father, Abby passes judgement on Chad’s.

Sounds about right.

For some reason, a waitress at the pub brings Chad and Abby a basket of fries “on the house”.  Abby starts complaining about the calorie-count.  Why?  No one knows.    

After Chad decides to counter Abby’s “your father is a lousy person” with “your father is a lousy person”, Abby decides they should just study and stop talking about fathers.  When Chad’s cellphone rings, Abby – using her mind powers to figure out that it’s Stefano calling – tells Chad not to answer it.

Why?  It’s a mystery only the generous fry cooks at the Brady Pub can solve.

LAWRENCE!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Killing off Lawrence, in my opinion, was a huge mistake.  HUGE.

No Pressure

Rafe apologizes over and over again to Sami for not remembering who she is.  Sami gently insists that it will come back to him in good time (about ten minutes from now, actually).

To keep him from feeling too guilty, she only reminds him that he can’t remember their wonderful, newly re-imagined history in the Safehouse and how heartbroken she is over it about a dozen times.  No pressure, Rafe.

MORE LAWRENCE!

So Carly is having drug-induced hallucinations, one of which is her abusive ex-husband.  He claims to have shown up to drive her insane but his idea of driving Carly insane includes reminding her of all the patients she could kill while under the influence.  This further proves our theory, doesn't it?  Salem is actually a town on Planet Bizarro where sanity is insanity and logic is the illogical.

Midol Complete

What does Abby hate more than having people feel sorry for her?  Why, that time of the month! 

“Do you have any aspirin?” she asks her mother, looking hopeful.

“No,” Jennifer replies. “I have Midol Complete!”

Abby is mystified.

“It relieves cramps, bloating, fatigue AND headache!”

You know how I know a man must have penned this episode?  Because I have yet to meet a woman on her period who would turn away a big, free pile of salty fries.

Rafe Emotes

Rafe hit on a full range of emotions in this episode.  Unfortunately the battery in my camera was dying, so I couldn't capture every single one of them, but here are some highlights.

Sami tells the audience about a thousand times that she loves Rafe and that she’s never, ever going to let him go.  That’s right, writers.  Don’t show.  Tell.

“You have to feel this connection, right?  You have to.”

This is Rafe “feeling the connection”:

 

Feeling the connection, Sami and Rafe almost kiss.

 This is Rafe longing for Sami's kiss:

 

This is Rafe thinking too hard.  I'm not kidding.

 

Sami breaks out a picture of Grace who died “over a year ago”, because Sami can’t count to two these days.  She tells Rafe he was the only father she ever knew, which would open up a whole can of worms except that – that’s right – three-week rule.

But nevermind that.

Here's a picture of Rafe mourning a child he wants so desperately to remember:

Just when Sami begins to think that all is lost because it's been twenty minutes and her husband still has no recollection of who she is, he announces that he remembers everything (after having a flashback of Sami mopping down his shirtless chest with a sponge - evidently this is the best memory-trigger TPTB could come up with).

Oh, hey!  Here's a picture of Rafe telling Sami he remembers:

 

 

State = Love

Show and tell.

 

Dumbing Down Carly

Because it had to happen sooner or later.  No one is safe.

Carly orders a prescription for Katerina Von Leuschner only an hour after finding out from Jennifer herself that she’s going to be snooping around trying to figure out who’s stealing medication from the hospital and will no doubt recognize Carly's alias immediately.  

Oy vey.

Oh, by the way...

Melanie and Mush Mouth are crushing on eachother.

PHEW!

I made it!  I hope you did, too!  So far May Sweeps sucks.  I can't imagine it's going to get better because the big event the powers that be were counting on has come and gone with barely a whimper, and that whimper was coming from me because...four hours of Days in one sitting. 

I'm not even sure I can write a proper conclusion to all this because I feel like just climbed out of a tar pit.  Muscles sore.  Disoriented.  Oh, hey!  Look!  There's Lawrence!

So next week I think I'll be doing another super-sized commentary covering the week.  I'll try not to drag you through too much muck and keep it a little shorter next time.  In the meantime, why not leave a comment with a "yay" or a "nay" tagged at the end of it to let me know how I'm doing (and how you're doing)?