Hello. It ain't me you're looking for.

I've come down with a bit of a cold, which sounds like a bad thing.  But it isn't, because this way I get to go from this:

 

To this:

 

Which I'll need to get through this:

Eating Your Own Words I

Stefano asks EJ if he showed Rafe the picture of Sami kissing Efar.

"Well, I had to refute his rather arrogant assertion that because of their 'great love' Samantha would be able to see through any imposter regardless of how striking the resemblance..."

So, not a mole out of place?  A missing birthmark?  Curtains not matching the rug?  Nothing?

Of course not.  Sami is going to figure things out purely through the power of their sweet, sweet love.

Hey, did you know that Rafe and Sami are in love?

Far-sighted?

 

Did you know EJ and Nicole are getting married?  Did you not get your massive 8x10 invitation in the mail yet?  I hope the text isn't too small for you to read because they'd really hate for you to miss it.

Eating Your Own Words II

Stefano tells EJ that he's unhappy his son insists on marrying a woman he doesn't love (that's Nicole, in case you missed the giant text on the invitation).  He also tells Elvis that it could be dangerous.

 

"Father, it's not like she's going to go downstairs and discover that we have Rafe in the basement."

Days, you're killing me.

A Brady bends the rules

Justin informs Bo and Hope that the hearing to decide Fancy Face's fate is still a go after a meeting with the district attorney. The same disctrict attorney who was a victim of Night-time Hope, she points out.

Granted, at the very least Hope readily owned up to what she'd done and wanted to "do the time for the crime".  Some Brady women just haven't learned that yet.  But then Hope isn't actually a Brady, so...

Predictably, Bo wags a finger at them announcing that there's one thing he "hasn't tried yet".

Of course, Bo.  Of course.

Let's see what the writers have come up for us now to slither out of this one.

Taylor Set-up I

Because we haven't seen this conversation happen about a thousand times already, Stefano asks EJ why he's marrying Nicole.  EJ tells Stefano he's doing it for the children.  Stefano tells him they could hire a nanny.  EJ announces that it's not just about the kids; he wants a woman in his life, too.

May God have mercy on our souls.

Um...what?

Nicole asks her "BFF" to be her maid of honour.  Chloe is reluctant to leap at the chance to stand by and watch the slow and devastating oil-spill that will be yet another disaster Days wedding.

"Do you really want a maid of honour who looks beat and has bags under her eyes?"

Um...is this quasimodo of a maid of honour standing behind Chloe?  

I love that the soapy version of a woman on the verge of a nervous breakdown is Chloe wearing a rather lovely sweater set over skinny jeans and heels.  The bump-it in her hair is gone, though, so clearly she's falling apart and I'm just too insensitive to notice.

Stefano:  Are you falling in love with [insert name here] again?

Stefano and EJ continue to talk about Nicole.  Stefano asks him if he's falling in love with her.  Again.  EJ says nothing because TPTB want me on the edge of my seat.  And I am on the edge of my seat about to stand up to go make some tea and grumble about how bad this show is.

Eating Your Own Words III

Chloe asks Nicole if marrying EJ is what she wants.  Nicole says that it is.

"And this time nothing is gonna get in my way."

 

Brady?  Brady who?

The Hard-Sell

Taylor insists to Lexie and Abe that she's going to be at the wedding supporting her sister whether Nicole wants her there or not.  Because she's a wonderful person.  You hear me?  WONDERFUL.

Lexie sighs and smiles.  "Wow.  Are you sure you two are sisters?"

Taylor smiles back.  "Are you sure you're a DiMera?"

So Taylor knows who the DiMeras are, knows Nicole was married to one, has kept in touch with their mother who also knows the DiMeras, but has never seen EJ once in her entire life.  Not once.

"I've never met EJ but from what I've heard about his family, you must feel a little out of place at reunions."

Oh, this woman is SO going to get EJ in a way no one ever has.  Ken, I was so wrong about you.  You've known exactly what you were doing this whole time. 

See?  I can change history, too.

Rip Van Winkled

Carly tells Jen and Dan she and Bo have split up.  She also tells them that Bo wants to be there for Hope just like he was there when Carly needed him.

Okay, when did that happen?  Did I fall asleep on the couch again...for...like...six months?

Victor Kiriakis:  Evil.  Heartless.  Conniving.  Saviour.

Brady decides to reach out to his father, but only to ask him to help keep Hope from going back to prison.

"And I don't give a damn how you do that."

The Bradys just keep looking better and better, don't they?

Played

Nicole asks Chloe once again how she's doing, obviously concerned about the missing bump-it.  Chloe tells her that she doesn't want to talk about herself anymore because she's "sick of that topic".

In shock my body lurched to one side, spilling a little of my tea on the couch.  As I reached for a napkin, though, I noticed the tight smile and blue eyes glazing over as she gives up the chance to whine about Daniel and probably life itself.  Chloe is no longer afraid of the dark, soothing embrace of death, and I fear for her safety.

Oh, wait.  It's just a device to get Nicole talking about Sydney and EJ again.

Curse you, writers!

I almost died from the suspense...

...but thank God we got back to Stefano and EJ and whether or not he's fallen in love with Nicole again.

EJ says no, he hasn't fallen in love with Nicole.

"So what is this about?"  Stefano asks.

"This is about the future."

Stefano loses his patience (much later than I did).

"Will you stop talking in riddles?  Elvis, you are making me dizzy!"

Dizzy.  Nauseous.  Same thing.

Taylor Set-up II

Once again EJ explains to Stefano that he doesn't love Nicole but that he does like having her around and still wants a mother figure for his children.

Stefano tells EJ that to an outsider it looks like he has everything he could ever want, but he insists he knows his son well enough to know that EJ's life is missing something.  And we all know what that something is.

Ken doesn't want Barbie.  He wants Skipper.

I decide to just sit back and enjoy watching EJ pouring more tea.

A Brady Bends The Rules II

Bo explains, eyes all squinty with outrage, that he's called everyone he knows and that no one wants to get involved in helping Hope stay out of prison.

"So I'd like you to call your old friend, Governor Ford, and ask him to tell Judge Callahan to back the hell off."

"You want me to do something outside the law.  I'm shocked, I tell you.  Shocked."

Bo ignores his sarcasm and asks if Victor will do it.

"You know, I don't know what's happening to this family.  Your mother is hacking into computer records, Brady is pulling hostile takeovers, and now you arrive here with your little hat in your hand asking me to buy a judge.  But it's different for you, isn't it?  Because your motives are pure."

"You're really going to lecture me on morality?" Bo snaps.

God, yes! Pleasepleasepleaseplease....

EJ wants a happy life.  Not a boring one.

Poor him.  Poor me.

Neither of us are going to get either.

Carly finally breaks down

Carly tells Daniel that Bo is going to do everything in his power to keep Hope from going to prison...

"...and Bo doesn't give up on someone that he..."

She sighs and finally bursts into tears, sobbing "I'm sorry, I'm sorry" over and over again, and it's positively heartbreaking.

 

 Taylor Set-up III

Stefano meets Taylor and is immediately enchanted by her, calling her "lovely".

 

 

Nicole has no self-esteem or feelings of self-worth whatsoever.  Still.

After making out with EJ and not showing one iota of pause for Brady, the supposed love of her life, she happily tells EJ that she understands their arrangement is one of 'friends with benefits'.

Nicole already seems to know that she's being left out in the cold and no longer gives a shit, and you and I definitely know she's already out in the cold and might have given a shit if we were still emotionally invested in this storyline in any way, shape or form. 

Taylor has already met Brady and is about to be bowled over by EJ's copious amounts of Cordiglay-fabricated adoration.  That leaves Nicole...where?

Where TPTB usually leave her - alone, emotionally wrecked, and without a shred of dignity.

Betty Crocked

Chloe explains to Parker that she is baking cookies because that's what good mommies do.  Good mommies bake cookies for toothless babies who don't even know where their mouths are.

While she's baking cookies, Days' slow, synthesized, "I'm a loon" muzak is playing.

Chloe gets a call from the pharmacy letting her know Parker's prescription is ready for pick-up. She decides to leave a sleeping Parker alone in the kitchen with the oven on while she rushes off to pick up his medication.  She doesn't want to wake him, after all.

Because, like most drug stores, if Chloe doesn't pick up the prescription within the next ten minutes, the pharmacist is going to just leave the medication out on the curb for any vagrant to just wander by and pick up to sell to elementary school children.

Heart-Stopping Drama!

Bo and Hope return from the hearing that we didn't get to see because no one wanted to bother putting up the set for it.  If there's anything this show didn't need, it was a change of scenery, or a courtroom scene to break the monotomy of this terribly boring episode.

Justin comes in just as Hope's about to confess that she still loves Bo (surprise), announcing that the verdict is in in record time!  Hope is free!  FREE, I TELLS YA!

 

 Yawn.

Hell hath frozen over.  No one notices the difference.

Carly has quickly pulled herself together.  After Daniel leaves Jennifer, looking pretty healthy for someone who was recently gutted like a fish then returned from the dead at the hands of Daniel's voodoo magic surgery skills, tells Carly she looks miserable. 

Carly tells her that letting Bo go was the right thing to do.  Jennifer looks at her sympathetically.

"Feeling honourable is a pretty cold comfort, huh."

That's why no one in Salem needs winter coats right now.

EJ tells Nicole she's "not just a friend"

Then she locks the door to the livingroom so they can have sex on the couch.  The same couch she had sex on with Brady not so long ago.

We are now not only expected to forget things that happened last week, or even yesterday.  It's also  expected that we forget things that happened in the same fucking episode.

Brady...Brady...Sorry.  Still not ringing a bell.

Amnesia is catching

Victor runs into a dazed Chloe schlepping past the Brady Pub.  He asks her how his grandson is, reminding her that he exists.  Chloe rushes off.  Then we see:

Smoke.

Parker.

Smoke.

A photo album somewhere in the room featuring Daniel, Chloe and Parker on the cover.

And smoke.

That would make an adorable wallpaper border for Parker's nursery, wouldn't it?

Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match

Jennifer watches Carly and Daniel hug outside of her room and immediately her inner Emma comes out.  Because nothing cures a broken heart like a good rebound.

"Well, well," she says to herself.  "It looks like you have the good doctor in your corner.  And he's the father of your daughter.  Hmm."

Jennifer should know better than anyone that that doesn't mean a thing in Salem.

Jane Austen would be so proud.

Be still, my beating heart

The enchanting moment on the pier at last!

 

Um...

 

Beautiful.

Would I watch this episode?

No.  The Bope reunion was terribly anti-climactic.  The EJ/Stefano and EJ/Nicole stuff was dull and a huge, nonsensical waste of time.  The episode-long Taylor set-up was...yick.  And the Chloe stuff was...wow.

I'm at a near-loss for words.  And it's not because I'm about to pass out from all the cold medication, although that's a small part of it.

I'll be perfectly honest with you.  I wasn't expecting to dislike Taylor as much as I do.  I was fully prepared for "interloper" hate, but I certainly wasn't prepared for "How am I going to keep watching this show" hate.  The fact that I'm going to have to watch her in many, many future scenes with my favourite character has really thrown me into a glass case of emotion, as it were.

OhmygodheissoadorablewhatamIgoingtodo?

I may have mentioned this before, but NL is beginning to remind me of that episode of Seinfeld where he has that inside joke with the rest of the gang about his girlfriend's navel and how when she's sleeping it looks like its talking to him.  Unfortunately, NL doesn't remind me of the girlfriend.  She reminds me of the navel.

 

Hello.